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[ Panting ]
To whomever it may concern,
if you're seeing this video, I am most likely dead.
[ Creaking ]
You've heard about the gruesome, tragic events that befell the Milton-Fletcher wedding.
It's been all over the news.
But what you don't know is the truth--
the real story, the story that my cameras captured.
There are dangerous people out there...
who are willing to do whatever it takes to suppress the truth.
But my art will not be suppressed.
Whoever you are, if this file finds its way into your possession,
please mail a copy of it to the F.B.I.
Mail a duplicate copy to the Sundance Film Festival.
Okay? Make sure you attach a note. Tell 'em it's a rough cut.
You know, still working on some things. But mostly it's all there.
Just gotta put the title sequence in, it'll be all set.
I've stayed too long.
[ Rifle Cocks ]
Farewell.
I call my film Shotgun Wedding.
[ Shotgun Cocks ]
[ Gunshot ]
[ Sighs ] Robert. Hey, buddy.
How about a few words for the camera from the groom?
Oh. The video.
Right. The wedding video. We--
We wanted to record everything.
- [ Gunshot ] - We could go back and relive this special moment.
[ Screaming ]
- I could never forget today. - [ Gunshot ]
- [ Laughing ] - [ Screams ]
- [ Ax Strikes ] - [ Screaming ]
No matter how hard I tried.
[ People Screaming, Faint ]
You-You must have something to say about your wedding.
[ Screaming Continues ] Robert, you okay? Robert.
[ Woman Screams ] [ Gunshot ]
[ Man #1 ] You got it? We're rolling? [ Man #2 ] I got you.
[ Man #1 ] Check, check, one, two. One, two, check. Got that?
Slated.
[ Blows ]
So, um, what exactly are we focusing on?
I don't-- Everything, man. Uh--
Family moments, problems, funny shit.
Nip slips. Just let it run. You know what I mean?
Just don't stop running the camera. That's all, basically. Get everything. Blaze?
You got it. Get it all.
♪ [ Pop ]
[ Man ] ♪ You
[ Chattering ]
- Who are you? - [ Man ] I had one of those going on.
Just wanted to thank you all for being here on-- with us.
We know that you all had to take time out of your busy, busy lives,
and some of you had to fly across an ocean, and it really means a lot to me.
And to me. Well, to us.
[ All Laughing ]
[ Robert ] I, uh-- Wow, man.
The Miltons, I just-- [ Sighs ]
A family anyone would kill to be a part of.
I just feel so lucky to feel so outclassed.
[ Woman ] No. No! Oh, now.
To those of you who witnessed my embarrassing display of skeet shooting this morning,
I'm a much better shot than that.
I know my dad was probably sitting there going,
"What? Did he not learn anything in all those duck hunting trips?"
Uh-- I blame the wedding jitters.
- Oh. - Not that I have the wedding jitters!
Everyone, the Honorable Judge Philip "Flip" Milton.
Just so everyone knows, he likes to be referred to as "sir," so--
No, no. That's not true.
I prefer "Your Honor."
Okay. Well. Here's to Rosemary and Robert, huh?
Yay. Thank you. Thank you.
I'm Ted. I'm the best man, and--
Best man. Hear, hear.
Guilty. Guilty. Guilty as charged.
I have been best friends with Robert since high school.
And who would have thought both of us would end up marrying such classy dames?
Um-- Actually, my wonderful wife, Elizabeth,
is to blame for this whole thing,
'cause four years ago, she said to me,
"You know, my friend Rosemary is smart and beautiful and rich.
But she's got terrible taste in men." [ Chuckles ]
She said, "Why don't we introduce her to your friend Robert?"
[ All Cheering ]
[ Mouthing Words ]
You were great, Ted.
[ Mouths Words ]
I was Rosemary's first...
boyfriend.
I don't think my poor mother has ever quite forgiven me for letting her get away.
Ha, ha.
So, Robert-- [ Chuckles ]
do not let her out of your sight, mate.
I still have almost 24 hours in which to win her back.
[ Laughing, Oohing ]
But seriously. [ Chuckles ]
To Rosemary... and Robert.
- [ Woman ] Cheers! - That guy's hilarious.
I'm in the middle of my speech at the rehearsal dinner.
Yeah! Um--
Robert and Rosemary, you are the perfect couple.
And even though I haven't known either one of you that long, really,
I just want you to know that...
I'm so honored that you chose me to be your maid of honor.
[ Groans ]
Hug time. [ Rosemary ] Yay.
Big hug here. Yay.
I'm so happy you're here. [ Indistinct ]
She only has 200 views. That's sad. Maybe I should subscribe to her channel.
We love you. I love you.
Rosemary! Ahh!
[ Laughing ] Right?
- My favorite cousin. - Oh. It's true.
I am super honored you guys all believe in me enough to deejay the reception.
- [ Man ] He's deejaying? - [ Woman Muttering ]
There was a time back in Afghanistan-- Oorah!
that I thought that I would never find something...
in the civilized world to connect to.
Yeah, after being in the shit.
Until I found my true calling...
as DJ Awesome-sauce,
crankin' out dope jams for good Americans-- Oorah!
I, uh--
I wondered if my only talent was killing people.
[ Laughs ] You know?
- Every time I close my eyes, I can still smell the blood. - [ Applause ]
I was starting to worry...
that he was waiting too long to get married.
Possibly because of how things went...
with his father and me, you know.
We're divorced.
Messy! Messy.
Rosemary was so beautiful and smart.
There was no way he could fall any more in love with her...
than I already have.
- [ All Exclaiming ] - [ Man Muttering ]
Robbie, after you brought her home that first time,
four years ago,
the very next day, I baked a wedding cake.
[ Man Chuckles ] Yes!
From scratch.
And I have it here right now.
- [ Mouths Word ] - Here we go.
- [ Man #1 ] Uh, no. - [ Chattering ]
[ Man #2 ] Ay, yi, yi, yi, yi.
- [ Woman Groans ] - [ Man #3 ] Nice.
[ Maid Of Honor ] Ooh, a vet. I don't know how you keep your figure so slim.
[ Rosemary ] StairMaster. Old school.
[ Chattering Continues ] Anyway. You having a good time?
Oh, man. Thank you so much. It's--
Of course. Of course. Look at this.
Hey, listen. Why don't you kids go out, have a good time. Okay.
Gonna stay here and clean up. All right.
The first round will be on the father of the groom, Hank Fletcher.
- [ Spits ] - Oh!
[ Chuckles ] No, no. I'm just messing with you, Hank.
No, no, no. [ Mother ] Hank?
First round is on me. Are you sure?
And then you freeloaders are on your own, okay? [ Chuckles ]
Now just, uh, don't get in trouble, okay? Of course.
We want to stay out of the papers, don't we, honey?
♪ [ Rock On Speakers ]
[ Man ] Last cameraman standing.
- What, are you going home? - All right, ladies. Here we go.
Leave these boys to their revelry.
I want to stay and revel too.
Ooh! Can we do shots?
Keep an eye on these guys for me, okay?
♪ [ Song Changes ]
To this guy. [ Maid Of Honor ] To him!
[ Man ] ♪ Raise it up, raise it up, raise it up ♪
He's not that good.
- ♪ [ Continues, Indistinct ] - [ All ] Yay!
We made it. Last stop.
What is the damage, my friend? Sixty-five.
- [ Ted ] Sixty-five. - Could the judge live any farther from civilization?
[ Maid Of Honor ] Hey, guys! Hey, hey!
Wait for me! We're down to Pensee.
[ Chuckling ]
Hey, did everybody see my pearl necklace? My daddy bought it for me.
[ All Shushing ]
Where are we going?
♪ [ Rock On Stereo ] I love you.
They love each other.
[ Chuckles ]
Stop it! [ Pensee Laughs ]
Camera guy!
Listen! Listen! This is where we live.
You'll see Mika with our camera.
She can see us. Look at this. Hello!
Oh! Aim for the rim. Aim for the rim.
[ All Cheering ]
Pretty hungry-- Hey!
You guys ever feel like every day is, like--
Like every day is like trying to get...
a fuckin' cashew in the hat.
[ All Chanting ] Vows! Vows! Vows! Vows! Vows!
"I, Robert, take you, Rosemary,
to be my lawfully wedded wife,
in sickness and in health, in richness and in poorness--
hopefully more richness than poorness"--
[ Sarcastic Chuckle ] [ Pensee ] Hey-oh!
"good hair days and bad hair days,
when you're looking smoking hot...
and on those occasions when maybe you're feeling a little bloated"--
[ Pensee ] Whoa! Oh, hell, no!
[ Ted ] I don't think you should put jokes in your vows, man.
[ All Talking At Once ] No, guys. Rosemary thinks I'm funny.
She likes it when I'm funny.
But not when you're supposed to be pledging your undying love and fidelity.
Yeah, man. They're really terrible.
[ Pensee ] She'll hate it, and then she'll hate you.
[ Ted ] You should take another pass on 'em, seriously.
[ Pensee ] They're really immature. All right. Tomorrow.
Tomorrow I'll fix 'em. [ Man ] You're already-- [ Indistinct ]
[ Robert ] Hey, listen. You been here all night, man. You can go home if you want.
I can go? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[ Pensee ] Three-way!
[ Laughing ]
[ Indistinct ] [ Pensee ] Yay!
[ All Laughing, Shouting ]
[ Pensee ] It's okay. It's okay.
Everything's gonna be just-- [ Laughs ]
♪ Dong-dong, dong-dong, dong-dong, dong-dong ♪
[ Man ] We're standing in puke.
[ Pensee ] I wrote "dong" on his face. [ Laughing ]
Room for one more!
I'm coming. I've never felt so alive.
Here. Two guys. Good old time. And the groomsman.
Rosemary is so cool and hot.
Oh, man, thanks. And rich.
Thanks, man. Rich in tits! [ Burbling ]
[ Chuckles ] Yeah.
[ Robert ] Protect the home base. This is our land!
[ Imitates Shotgun Blast ]
I was on fire today. Never even shot a gun before.
[ Robert ] That's beginner's luck.
[ Laughs ] Your best score tied my worst score. What?
Oh, yeah? Pull.
[ Imitates Shotgun Blast ] Nailed it again. [ Pensee Laughs ]
[ Plate Shatters ] Can't miss.
Wait. What are you guys talking about? Skeet shooting.
What? Let's shoot skeet now.
Pensee, it's the middle of the night. We can't-- I'm the groom.
We can do what we want.
Whoa! [ Imitates Shotgun ]
[ Plate Shatters ] Come on!
[ Pensee ] It's time to go and shoot something.
I don't know what it is.
[ Ted ] Love murder!
[ Robert ] Okay. [ Pensee ] Yeah.
Shh, shh, shh. Shh!
It's like a-- Pensee, quiet.
I didn't say anything! Pensee, quiet.
You be quiet! You're talking.
I wasn't. Okay. No more talking.
[ Chuckles ] You wanna hold it?
Yeah, I do. Touch it.
What was that? You want me to shoot you?
Follow me. [ Shotgun Cocks ]
[ Chuckles ] All right. You ready? Yeah, I'm ready.
Are you ready-ready? I'm ready.
You ready-ready-ready? Are you ready?
[ Pensee ] I'm ready. Okay.
Okay. Pull!
[ Gunshot ] Oh! Slam!
[ Chattering ]
[ Blaze ] They didn't invite me to this? Fuckin' assholes, man.
[ Robert ] You did. I did.
[ Groans ] Well, that's why I think it's too easy.
I need something harder.
Take three paces, turn around and then try to shoot it.
Three paces, turn around-- Turn around.
Fire. No looking. No look-sees.
Hello, lovelies. You are about to see me shoot a gun.
For the very first time. Ever. [ Robert ] Okay. Pull it.
Ever! Robert, no!
[ Blaze ] Oh, shit! Oh, no! [ Ted ] Fuck!
Pensee? Pensee? [ Blaze ] Fuck!
Are you okay? I think something hit me in the face.
[ Ted ] What do we do? Do we move her? Call someone? Call the police?
Oh, my God. Who do you call when you shoot someone in the face?
Someone's been shot. Oh.
We need to call a paramedic, right? Don't touch your face.
Yes, I'll do it.
Oh, boy. We need help. 911.
We need help. Someone's been shot.
It's gonna take too long. Listen. My mom-- Side room right over there, okay?
She's a nurse. She's a school nurse, dude!
She's still a nurse, Ted! I'm so sleepy.
Pensee! Get up!
Look at this weirdy. Look at this weirdo. Do not fall asleep.
There she is. [ Giggles ]
[ Chattering ]
[ Pensee ] I did it. Guys, where am I?
What kind of ding-a-lings shoot guns in the middle of the night? You're getting married tomorrow.
Mom, she just got shot in the face. You can yell at me later.
What do you think, Mom? We should call 911. Right, Mom?
Uh-- No, no, no.
Now hold on. I think she's probably okay. Yeah?
This is mostly swelling. Oh.
Yeah. We just need to clean her up and she'll be right as rain.
I still get to be maid of honor, right?
I was totally looking forward to it, and Rosemary chose me. Oh. Oh--
Let's take her to the emergency room.
Come on. Let's go to the emergency room.
You listen to me, Robert Allen Fletcher.
I-- I do understand what is happening here.
I will not allow my baby's wedding to get derailed...
by a-- by a... simple accident.
Do you think that Judge Milton will want to pay for a second wedding...
because you shot his daughter's adorable maid of honor in the face?
This is not important, is it?
I mean, this is just some big fancy wedding.
This is Pensee's life. We can--
Rosemary and I, we can go to Vegas.
We can marry in Vegas. It doesn't matter.
I was in labor for 32 hours with you.
Thirty-two hours.
With no drugs.
And I wanted the drugs!
But I said no, for you.
I did not go through that so you could have a wedding...
performed by some Elvis or some ordained drag queen.
What if Rosemary isn't okay with that?
What if she changes her mind?
[ Ted ] Yvette's right. Yvette's right.
This is more important. This is the turning point of your entire life.
What the fuck is wrong with you two?
Pensee, dear. You understand, right?
You don't want to be the reason that the whole wedding gets called off.
Oh, my gosh. Do you?
No! No! I really don't.
I'm so sorry my face got in front of your bullets, Robert.
Those guns don't shoot bullets. It's a bird shot.
...stupid! This is not your fault. You are not stupid.
[ Yvette ] Shut up, Robert.
This is Pensee's decision, not yours.
And she's on my side.
Ted, get him out of here.
[ Ted ] Brother. Bye.
I gotta clean her up and I gotta get her back to her room.
Okay.
We're gonna be brave.
Pensee, have you been filming this?
♪ [ Pop ]
What in the hell is this?
[ Dishes Clatter ]
[ Rosemary ] Anyone single, in my opinion, is a slut.
I want you to look into this. Ready?
A dick on your face. He doesn't even--
Excuse me. Yes?
[ Stammers ] I hate this continental breakfast junk.
Do you think you could get me a couple fried eggs, a little ham steak?
[ Blaze ] Hey, man. Ted, right? Yeah.
Yeah. Uh, I saw everything last night. Oh.
Yeah. And by "saw everything," I mean I got it all on tape.
And if I'm not being too presumptuous, Flip, Barbara,
I still consider you both to be family.
- Oh. - [ Chuckles ] - [ Chuckles ]
You know, the groom's target mishap.
Yeah. The chat with his mom. All on tape.
Pensee? She's either drunk or hungover.
Even Ted didn't come home till dawn.
- Whoa. - [ Man ] Ooh!
Yeah. And I was just about to upload it to YouTube.
The only man who could stop me is old Benjamin Franklin.
Okay, okay. [ Stammers ]
But you can't say anything till after the wedding, okay?
If I give you money, that's like a legal contract.
...for longer than this guy. She's a slut.
- Yay! - [ All Cheering ]
Much appreciated. You took it. It's legal.
[ Cheering, Laughing ]
- Robert. Robert! - Look who's finally decided to join us.
Thank you. Hey.
Happy couple alert. Love it!
Can I get you some breakfast?
No, no. I'm... full. I'm not hungry.
Couldn't eat today, to be honest.
[ Woman ] Too nervous? [ Chuckles ]
Hey, Robert, do you mind if I get you hooked up with a microphone?
Oh. It's Steve, right? Yeah, Steve.
Yeah, sure. I--
You know, microphone-- Do I really--
Who wants to hear me today, you know?
[ Blaze ] The battery should last all day, all right?
So just forget you're even wearing it, man.
Have fun out there. Just leave all the shooting to us.
All right. Got all my principals miked.
My boys Blaze and Sully and I will be shooting all day,
and in two months, you will have a feature film of your magical day.
[ Rosemary ] Two months?
Incidentally, I am an award-winning documentarian.
Took home the jury prize at the Bakersfield International Student Film Festival.
No big whoop. [ Chuckles ]
Big whoop! So-- It's gonna be great.
Robert, honey. Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.
Okay. So Pensee is-- Hey. Okay.
No, no. Listen. We are miked right now.
I'm wearing a microphone, and these cameras are shooting us,
so they will hear everything you will say.
So, what, uh--
What was going on with Pensee?
How's-- How's the damage to her car?
Car? Mm-hmm.
Well, um-- It's a little... dinged? Uh-huh?
But I-I got it's, um, face bandaged--
Yeah? As long as sh-- it doesn't pick at it,
it should be fine.
Maybe we should take her car to the shop.
Now? Yes.
We've got wedding photos coming up. Really?
Rosemary!
My goodness, I am so excited! Oh, good.
You look so perfect, like a little Hummel figurine.
I just want to steal my fiancé for a moment, if that's okay.
- Yeah. - Ma'am, may I hook thee up with a microphone?
You know what? She doesn't need to be miked. Yes.
Of course. No, no, no, no, no.
Of course you get to be miked. Everyone gets to be in the movie.
- You just want all the attention on yourself. - You know me.
[ Yvette Chattering ] I'm gonna go mike your mom up, dude.
Hey. I wanna talk to you for a second. Hey.
Okay. I know what you did last night.
Staying up all night the night before the wedding?
Oh, boy, you know.
That's such a terrible idea. I really shouldn't.
Come on. I'm just kidding, babe. Okay.
I'm glad you had fun with your friends. Yeah.
I do want to know, however, where is my maid of honor?
Pensee? Pensee.
The maid of honor really should be here at this special brunch.
Yeah. Where--
She just-- She just had a little bit too much to drink.
Uh-huh. She's still in her room.
[ Robert ] She's hungover.
How irresponsible is that? Hmm? You guys are really lucky that I'm here to cover for her.
Yeah. I'm gonna go check on her.
Yeah? Yeah.
Wait, wait, wait. W-W-W-Wait.
I will come with you. Yeah.
Oh. Are you-- Okay. Yeah.
[ Robert ] Yeah? Oh, yeah.
Yeah? Yeah!
Okay.
Hey. So, uh, did you take care of it?
What? The--
- Your vows. - Oh, shit. Shit. I gotta--
Okay. Okay.
I gotta get on that.
Gone again?
Man stuff.
[ Yvette ] Oh, wait. You know, uh--
...is sick. It was coming out both ends.
And her Aunt Flo is in town, so-- all three ends.
[ Knocks ] Pen-- Pensee. It's Rosemary.
Are you sick, babe?
[ Pensee ] Oh, Rosemary. Oh, my God. I think that maybe I--
Yvette. I'm out here too.
Hi, Yvette. Hi.
Let me come in-- No, no, no, no, no.
You don't need anything, do you?
- You'll be better in time for the photos, right? - Uh--
Pensee? You just stay in there like a good girl.
You drink lots of water. You do not let anyone in the room.
You don't want anyone to see the way your--
uh, your condition is looking.
[ Chuckles ] Okay?
Okay.
Love you, dear. Okay.
Yeah. You're fine.
Don't worry about her. She is going to be fine.
Hey, everyone out there in Pensee land.
Like a goof, I got hurt at the wedding weekend.
I don't want to make a scene or do anything stupid, so,
I'm gonna sneak out the window and run through the woods to the highway...
and then take a taxi to the hospital.
And I'm bringing you all along with me, guys.
Wish me luck!
[ Kisses ]
[ Sighs ] You know. It's, uh--
Everything happens for a reason, even accidents.
There's a thing called happy accidents, you know?
It's possible all life on Earth began by accident.
Pensee?
This is harder than I expected.
Oh. Uh-- [ Dishes Clatter ]
[ Kicks Door ] Ow.
[ Groans ] Oh, God.
Okay.
But I'm sticking to it, guys.
You gotta believe in yourself and find your greatness, right?
Pensee? Pensee!
What on earth are you doing?
Don't worry. No one will see.
It's broad daylight!
You come back in here right now, young lady. You will ruin everything!
Come in. No, no.
You come in right now. Don't pull on it. Don't you dare.
Come in! You're the devil and you know it!
[ Yvette ] It's my wedding, and you won't ruin it!
[ Pensee ] It's not your wedding. It's Robert and Rosemary's wedding.
[ Yvette ] Fine! But you're ruining it!
Stop! You're gonna make me fall!
[ Yelps, Screams ]
[ Yvette ] Pensee? [ Groans ]
Oh. You don't want to go in there.
I have to get some Pepto.
♪ [ Pop ]
[ Yvette ] Ted! Ted!
Could you come with me for a moment, please?
Can you just let me eat this Danish, please?
This is an emergency. Mm-hmm.
It's about Pensee's, uh--
diarrhea. Oh.
It's gotten very messy. Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, okay. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
Hurry up.
Oh, my God! [ Groans ]
Oh, man up, Ted!
Oh. Mmm. Breathe in, breathe out.
I'll get you a paper bag in a second.
[ Woman ] The one thing I didn't understand...
is that you're at a wedding this weekend-- Babe. Babe. Stop talking.
Stop. Listen to what I am saying, okay?
I got this fuckin' thing on my lip.
I don't know what it is.
Go to the computer, fire up WebMed.
Just-- I'm gonna shoot the thing on my lip...
and I'm gonna play it back so I can describe it to you.
I don't know what it is, and that affects both of us.
Yeah. Yeah. That's the point, retard. Thank you.
I don't care about this thing on your lip. I'm trying--
Fucking ridiculous.
[ Ted ] Should we call a doctor?
[ Yvette ] She's dead. She can't get any deader.
Should we bury her?
There's no time for that, Ted.
Besides, Pensee would have wanted us to just hide her corpse.
[ Ted ] What about that? Ooh, that's good thinking.
[ Grunts ]
[ Yvette Grunts ]
[ Ted ] Okay. Okay.
Oh, my God. That is fucked up.
[ Ted Muttering ]
Get her arm-- Hold on.
Here. Hold on. Do you have any lotion?
Maybe we could, like, grease her up.
We'll just cram it down with the lid. Just cram the lid down.
I don't-- Oh.
[ Blaze ] Are they-- Oh, sh-- Is that the cameraman?
Um, excuse me.
Mr. Cameraman? This isn't what--
Could we talk to you for a second?
- Grab that rock! - This rock right here?
What the fuck are you doing? No, that rock!
Dude, I'm just high. I just imagined--
What-- What are you doing? You fucking--
- [ Blow Lands ] - Don't run from me. Stop it!
Come on, man! I'll give you back the money, dude!
- [ Blaze Groaning ] - [ Yvette ] Get his head.
No. Oh, shit!
- [ Blow Lands ] - [ Groans ]
I think I killed him. I had to, right?
He could have had a gun. You think he may have a gun, right?
He could have had a-- Right? Y-Yes. Well, always best to play it safe.
[ Stammers ] How am I gonna tell my wife she married someone...
who hit someone in the head with a rock and then he died? Ted.
What? You're not going to tell your wife.
I tell her everything. She knows everything. It's why she doesn't like me.
Here you are. I was starting to think you were ignoring me.
What? No, honey.
I'm just-- I was distracted.
My dad's been looking for you. He said you guys were supposed to have a man-to-man talk.
Yeah. Yeah. You said you were into it.
Yeah, I gotta go see him.
You all right, baby? Yeah. Excuse me.
I gotta talk to my mom real fast.
See you at the wedding photos!
Mom? Mom. Mom, Mom, Mom.
I'm in the middle of something. I can see that, Mom.
Why do you have an ax?
I got it off one of the gardeners.
Rodrigo has everything. Oh, yeah?
That doesn't really answer my question, Mom.
This doesn't have anything to do with Pensee's, uh, car trouble?
Um, y--
It died.
Huh? She-- Pensee's car died.
You said-- You said she was-- it was fine, Mom.
Uh, it was.
Then it fell out a window and died.
Then one of the cameramen-- Mm-hmm?
His car died too.
What are you talking about, Mom?
His car-- Yeah?
saw Pensee's car-- Uh-huh.
then wanted to ruin the wedding, so Ted...
hit it with a rock.
Oh, Robert. There you are, my boy. Oh, hey!
Uh-- Don't worry. Your mother is looking out for you.
You just keep enjoying yourself. Okay.
Where are the cars now, Ma?
Everything okay? Yeah.
No, Judge-- Your Honor. Sir. Everything's great.
I think it's high time that you learned to call me Flip. [ Toilet Flushes ]
- Ah. Yes, sir, Flip. - Whoa.
We are pleased as punch to welcome you into the Milton family.
Well, I am honored to be a part of your family, sir.
You know what? Can I just talk to my dad for one minute, while we're here?
Excuse me real quick. Hey, Dad?
Mom's, uh-- I need you to watch out for her, okay?
'Cause she's getting a little crazy with her wedding planning.
Robbie. She's always been crazy.
I know that you guys aren't on good terms right now, okay?
But I really need you right now.
Make sure she doesn't do anything out of the ordinary, okay?
Yeah. If that's what you need me to do. Okay. That's what I need.
[ Milton ] Uh, Robert? Come on in. Yeah. Here I come!
- Here I come, Pop! - Do you know what they're having for dinner?
[ Robert ] It's kind of weird, isn't it, having all these cameras around here?
[ Milton ] I have an election coming up in November, Robert.
Charles Beaumont is really gunning for my seat,
just waiting for me to slip up.
[ Loud Clang ]
Okeydokey. Uh, excuse me.
[ Panting ] [ Yvette ] Ted?
I got an ax. No! I don't want to cut him up!
The key, I find,
is one must live one's life in private...
just as honorably and forthrightly as one does in public.
That makes sense.
Since I do have an election coming up--
Anything you need to tell me, Robert?
Any skeletons in the closet?
Your closet?
No. This is man's work, and this body's too big to carry around.
Look, we have to make it look like a Mexican drug cartel did it.
Isn't that smart? Come on.
What was that? Do you hear something?
No. You're just being paranoid. Come on. Take the ax. No. Shh.
[ Rhythmic Knocking ]
Oh. Uh--
See-See who it is.
No! I know what that means.
God. I have to do everything around here.
Shh.
- Oh! - So this is your room, huh?
Not a good time, Hank. [ Stammers ]
What the hell happened to him?
Mmm-- Uh--
Why don't you just come clean, huh?
I'm gonna find out the whole truth about it anyway.
Hank? Yeah?
You want-- You want your son to get married, right?
Of course. Yeah.
Is this guy dead?
[ Stammers ] And you trust me, right?
Not particularly.
I had a D.U.I. when I was 23. Huge mistake.
Deeply regret it, man.
- Good. [ Laughs ] - [ Laughs ]
- I knew all about that. - Hey!
I was just giving you a test. All right!
Now, honey, chop up this body.
This creepo here, he was--
He was trying to take this special day...
away from Robbie, you know--
Away from us.
You may be many not-so-great things,
Hank Fletcher,
but you-- you have always been a good father.
Robbie--
[ Whispers ] Robbie needs his daddy right now.
[ Exhales ]
How small you want the pieces?
Oh, probably like 10 total.
I've never done this before.
I'll start with the legs and work my way up.
- We shouldn't be doing this. - Oh, hush, Ted.
Okay. You, uh--
You-- You do it--
[ Ted ] Oh, God. Hank.
You know, for-- for Robbie.
[ Muttering ]
Let me just...
get him ready here.
[ Yvette ] Okay. [ Grunting ]
Ooh.
Oh, God.
Okay.
This brings back memories of the farm.
[ Chuckles ] Cutting a cord of wood for Dad.
Ooh. Okay. Here goes nothing.
[ Groans ]
[ Inhales ] [ Ax Strikes ]
[ Screaming ] What the hell?
- My God! - [ Screaming Continues ]
You said he was dead!
[ Groaning ] I'm sorry, buddy. It's okay.
[ Vomiting ]
You just cut my fucking foot off, you human piece of shit!
Make him be quiet!
I'm trying to reason with him.
You just chopped off his foot.
Why would he reason with you? Do something!
Fuckin' piece of--
[ All Talking At Once ]
[ Groans, Screams ]
[ Yvette ] Oh, my God!
Oh, fuck!
[ Screams ]
[ Yvette ] Oh, my God!
Fuck you people! [ Grunts ]
[ Groaning ] Fucking bitch!
I'll never-- You're going down!
Hey, bitch! Fuck you!
[ Grunting ]
[ Blows Landing ]
[ Body Thuds ]
What the fuck did I ever do to you people?
You're trying to stand in the way of my son's happiness.
I'm not trying to do that. I don't even know you.
No, no. No, dude! Dude! We can hang out. I'm totally cool--
[ Ax Strikes ] [ Screams ]
- [ Ted ] I did it again! - Oh, fuck!
Oh, fuck! Just witnessed a murder!
I just filmed a fucking murder!
Blaze! It's not a huge loss, but it's a human life.
The life of an award-winning documentarian is a dangerous one,
but it is the path I have chosen.
For Blaze.
You okay, Yvette?
Oh.
I'm fine.
Hank. You tried to protect me.
Well... sure, I-- You're a lady.
Ted, you look like you could use some rest.
Why don't you go clean up? Hank and I can take care of this.
Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna-- [ Stammers ]
[ Exhales ] Oh.
[ Door Closes ] Oh, my goodness.
You're hurt. Oh.
Let me patch you up. Just let me find something.
Oh, Hank.
Maybe we should finish cutting him into pieces so--
You are such a boy.
Take your shirt off.
Leave your top off.
Whoa! Oh!
[ Crash ] [ Laughs, Growling ]
[ Both Laughing ]
[ Laughing Continues ]
♪ [ Pop ]
♪ [ Fades ]
♪ [ Hip-hop On Speakers ] It's-- It's really not necessary, Marvin.
We could just put on the radio.
[ Scoffs ] Listen, when you hire DJ Awesome-sauce,
you get the full package.
I know how to set the mood for some lady pamperin'!
[ Explosion Sound ]
♪ [ Continues ] He's been through a lot in the war.
He was such a sweet little boy.
♪ [ Record Scratching ]
You're doing a wonderful job, Marvin.
Aunt Barbara! [ Chuckles ]
♪ [ Rhythmic Beats ] [ Rosemary Sighs ]
Oh, my gosh.
I hate to bring this up, but at some point...
you're gonna have to consider just replacing Pensee.
You need a fully functioning maid of honor to do important tasks like...
bouquet management and train wrangling.
Oh, hey. Where have you been? Are you okay?
- Oh. I am great. - Oh.
What's not to love on a... perfect day like this?
Knock, knock, knock. Is everybody decent?
- Oh. Ladies. - [ All ] Hi.
I know it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride,
but it's just my bad luck that I am not the groom.
[ All Chuckle ]
Seriously, I came to deliver this.
Oh. Well, thank you.
What a lovely package.
[ Rosemary ] You didn't have to do that. Thank you.
Oh! Yes.
Yeah, I know it's your favorite.
In fact, the funny thing is, whenever I smell it,
I still-- [ Exhales ]
think of you.
I was thinking you could wear it for the ceremony.
Oh.
- Y-Y-Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
Thank you. My pleasure. Absolute pleasure.
[ Chuckles ]
- Is that chardonnay? - [ Rosemary ] Please.
- Mother. - Yo. Sully. [ Clicks Tongue ]
Hey, Steve. I'm getting some pretty good stuff, man.
Okay. Good, good. Great. Great.
Uh, listen. You... seen Blaze around?
He's probably around here somewhere getting high.
- You know how he does it. - Yeah.
- But his phone's going to voice mail. - [ Sighs, Scoffs ]
- Fuckin' Blaze. Always been a little unreliable, right? - Yeah.
Trust me, bro. Never gonna hire that bitch again.
Is it just me, or is something really weird going on here today?
I mean, people are actually starting to avoid the cameras.
Hey. Look. Just-- Just--
Just stay on task, okay, Sully?
It's just you and me now, man.
Forever.
Hey. Proud of you.
Thank you.
- You're welcome. And I mean that. - Thank you.
- Proud. - I feel it.
Okay. All right.
- Hey, and whatever you do, just don't stop filming. - Okay.
Okay? Keep that shit rolling. I will.
At all times.
Okay. Okay.
Mika, look how pretty Mommy looks, hmm?
[ Barking ] How are you, Mika?
[ Imitating Dog Panting ] Huh?
[ Gasps ]
Ted. You scared the shit out of me.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- [ Barks ] - Are you drunk?
No! No. No.
What have you been doing?
I can't tell you. It's a secret.
We don't keep secrets.
- Hi, Mika. - Secrets.
Hi, Mika. I can't tell anyone. I promised. It'll ruin the entire wedding.
Fine. You and Robert are up to some lamebrained scheme then?
You don't have to tell me.
[ Mika Barks ]
Robert shot Pensee, and she fell out of a window and she died.
The cameraman saw it and I had to hit him in the head with a rock,
but then he didn't die, so I chopped him in the head with an ax!
And Yvette made me promise not to say anything until the wedding was over,
since Pensee would have wanted it that way, for Rosemary to have a perfect day.
And if you divorce me, I won't fight you. You can have everything. I'm sorry.
Pensee's dead? Super dead.
That means Rosemary's going to need a new maid of honor. Sure.
You need to get cleaned up and into your suit. The pictures are about to happen.
And, Ted? What?
Fix your hair.
I'll put water on it. Mika?
Mommy has to go! She's about to be promoted to maid of honor!
[ Squeals, Laughs ]
♪ [ Pop ] Robert, Rosemary,
you're gonna be the most beautiful couple ever in history.
And I love you very, very much.
Rosemary, listen to this. This is gold, okay?
We went to an obedience class with our dog,
but secretly, I was listening to the trainer...
because I thought, "I might be able to use these skills in real life."
And it worked.
We-- We love you. Say something else.
Does this remind you of something?
[ Both Laughing ]
- You know-- - I mean, food incentive is everything to a man.
[ Laughing ] Robert. Robert.
Robert and Rosemary, I think the foundation of a good marriage...
is sex.
♪ [ Continues ]
Love, love. [ Chuckles ]
Just stop it. Okay.
She knows. I told her everything. I'm sorry.
[ Grunting ] What is wrong with you?
She seems cool with it though.
She does? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, people. I charge by the second, okay, so all eyes on me.
Um, we are missing somebody. Somebody in white?
[ All Oohing ]
[ Rosemary ] Hi.
Oh, wait. Where is-- Where's Pensee?
She's seriously still not down yet?
Oh, uh-- She must still be feeling sick.
- [ Sighs ] - Actually-- Oh, I hate telling you this,
but she left.
She told me that this place was total lamesville...
and that she had to go find a place...
to get drunk and find a guy and have casual sex with him.
Uh, that doesn't sound like Pensee.
Actually, she said the same thing to me,
and she wasn't wearing any panties, so--
It might be time for you to choose a new maid of honor.
It's just-- You know, I don't think she's coming back.
Violet, will you step in for Pensee while I figure all this out?
- Of course. - Thank you.
Okay, yay. Crisis averted. Okay, picture time, okay? Um--
If we could clear a path here...
and everyone gather around the trunk.
This will be a beautiful shot of you guys.
Are we-- You know, are we sure that we want to take the pictures here?
Isn't it a little-- I don't know-- tacky?
- Tacky, right? - What's tacky about it?
You know, I-- I think that it's this trunk, actually.
What if we took the pictures over there? Look over there.
Wouldn't it be beautiful if we took the pictures over by those trees?
If you feel that strongly about it, why don't we just move the trunk?
Yes. Move the trunk.
Pay no attention to me. Women, right?
Let's just take the pictures.
[ Photographer ] Yeah, let's take the pictures. I love that idea.
[ Shutter Clicking ]
Love it. Everyone, here, here. Intense, intense.
Yes. Hide that secret. Keep that secret. I love it.
Yes, yes. I just did something really bad and nobody knows.
Okay, now I need the groomsmen, all you boys.
Okay, hold on. Okay, we're losing light.
So can you guys move the bench a few feet to the left?
- Oh, yeah. I got it. - No, no, no.
I got it. Let me do it. [ Mutters ]
[ Photographer ] I don't care who does it.
[ Grunts ] Why is this so heavy? Well, uh--
...heavy in here.
Say, Hank-- Can I call you Hank?
May I just say, Hank, uh--
[ Chattering ] [ Mouths Words ]
You know what? You know what? This is what we're gonna do.
I'm just gonna sit here for all these, okay? Just like this.
You know what? Ted's gonna sit here too. Just the two of us on the b--
Hey, come on. Come on. Everybody on top.
Just like this for the rest of the photos. They're all gonna look like this, okay?
[ Shutter Clicking ]
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
- [ Photographer ] Okay. Let's stand up. - No, no. I like this look.
That's my big thing.
How about we stand up, Robert?
Hey, red! Hey, red!
Take the shot, red! Clickity-click. Clickity-click it.
[ Photographer ] There has been a lot of sitting.
Happy. Yay! We're getting married. It's not a funeral.
Robert. Robert. Robert. Mm-hmm?
Hey. Hey.
Today's our wedding day. I know.
I want you to be here. I'm here.
With me. Okay? Did something happen last night? [ Shutter Clicking ]
No. What's going on?
[ Photographer ] Okay. Maybe after we're done here,
we can just have a moment, just the two of us? Yeah.
Just like you and I, away from everybody else?
I would love that. I would love that. Just you and me.
You mean that? Yeah. Of course.
I'd like that. Okay?
[ Groaning ] [ Urinating ]
[ Guests Chattering ]
[ Woman ] Yes. I don't think she knew him that well.
[ Man ] Tons of phrases. "Shut your yap."
Oh. Hey. We're so glad to have you here.
Part of my--
And--
[ Clears Throat ]
Psst. Robert.
[ Clears Throat ] We gotta talk.
[ Exhales ]
I hate to be the bearer of bad news,
but there are some shady operations going on around here.
Like what?
This morning, when I went to be with the guns, like any other morning,
it looked as if the lock had been forced.
And a shotgun had been fired. That's probably just some kids.
Then, after that, there's been disappearances.
Pensee.
I went by her room,
where she's supposedly crippled with the runs.
But when I broke in, she wasn't there.
And her toilet...
was clean.
And one of the cameramen is missing too.
I've been gathering evidence,
recording everything with my spy cam.
Oh, sh--
[ Chuckling ]
And I think I've pretty much figured out who's responsible.
Fuck me. Who?
[ Imitates Gunshot ] Ted?
Look in his eyes. I've seen that before.
That's a man who's just been in the shit for the first time.
I'll shadow him. No, no, no, no.
No, no. No, don't follow him.
No, no, it can't be Ted because Ted's been with me all day.
So-- You know who it could be?
You know who it could be?
Declan!
Rosemary's handsome English ex?
He's not that handsome. He's cute.
But-- No! Pensee and the cameraman and Declan together.
A nefarious scheme to ruin the wedding.
Yeah. He said some suspicious stuff earlier.
And then he laughed like-- [ Sinister Laughter ]
Okay, that's suspicious. Yeah.
I'm on the case. Go get 'em. Yeah.
Make love to the camera. Or me. Love it.
We can chop her up later. That'll make it really look like a Mexican drug cartel.
- We can mix and match. - Mom. Mom. Dad. Mom.
Why is Pensee's car in the "you know"?
Oh.
Honey, I didn't know they were gonna use the "you know" in the pictures.
But don't worry about it. Your father and I will dispose of it.
I asked you to keep an eye on her, Dad, not to help her.
I haven't taken my eyes off her once. [ Laughing ]
You're so sweet. Thanks.
What-- What--
What's going on, guys? You guys hate each other.
We can't rekindle our old flame?
- Mmm! - Mm-mmm-mmm!
[ Giggling ] Ew!
Where was this attitude when I was 12?
Would've saved me a lot of trips to the school counselor.
Oh, honey, don't you see that everything-- everything happens for a reason.
There's magic in the air. Magic.
Magic. Magic. We're all going to jail!
Hey! [ Groans ]
And Marvin-- Marvin knows too, by the way.
He knows something's going on.
Maybe I should have your father, um,
talk to him.
No. No!
Marvin is harmless. Okay?
I sent him on a wild-goose chase. All right?
Hey, you guys, no more doing anything. No more helping.
You think of doing something, you do the different. Okay?
This is my wedding, my rules. Promise me!
Promise me! Don't do anything! Promise!
Okay. Okay.
- Okay? - All right.
Okay.
Calm down. He's so excitable.
I know. I don't know where he-- [ Laughs ]
Where did you learn to dance like this?
♪ [ Rock ]
[ Marvin ] Swift, silent and deadly.
Hey! Hey.
[ Grunting ]
Has my future husband made a little time for me? All the time in the world.
Yeah, right.
Ho-ho! Whoa! Robert.
Just wanted to let you know-- I have taken care of it.
You can rest easy.
Good. Great. Thanks.
Wait. What? Take care of what?
El problemo...
with "Eclan"...
acting "espicious."
- Es no problemo. - I know what that means.
Why don't you take a look at that picture of...
that guy... I was telling you about, doing that funny thing.
Don't look, Rosemary. What's wrong?
Oh, that's the cutest little kitten I've ever seen.
[ Laughing ] Do you remember that kitten?
Baby. Baby, I'm so sorry. I'm gonna be right back. No. No. No.
I gotta go look at some pictures of the kittens. There's so many kittens!
Robert! Oh, look at the pictures of the kittens!
[ Grunting ]
Unbelievable.
[ Grunting ] Ohh.
I didn't ask you...
to kidnap him.
Just doing my duty.
He's been keeping quiet about his plans...
and where his coconspirators are hiding. Oh, my--
But I will get it out of him.
[ Chuckles ]
I have been waiting to do this to an enemy combatant...
for a while.
No, you can't torture him! Okay? I was speculating earlier!
Robert, I-- I swear I'm not here to ruin the wedding.
Declan-- Robert, I swear on my life.
I'm so sorry. I'm a friend.
This guy's--
Some friend!
I'm sorry. Robert.
[ Gasps ] Jesus-- Oh, God!
What are you planning?
Why do you hate American freedoms?
[ Gasps ] I don't. I'm from England.
We're allies.
These colors don't run, terrorist.
What?
Oh, good Lord. You do know our flags are the same colors.
You fuckin'... motherfucker!
- [ Contacts Sparking ] - [ Stammering ] No! No! No!
- [ Crackling ] - [ Screaming ]
[ Laughing ]
Whoo-hoo-hoo! [ Laughing ] [ Groaning ]
Stop! Stop it!
All right! I admit it!
I-- I'm here to steal Rosemary back.
- What? - Oh, yeah.
I was on my way to convince her to run away with me,
you boring sot!
You were always so nice to me.
Well, I was playing you for a fool,
you twat!
Soldier. Huh?
Detain this man till after the ceremony.
It would be my pleasure. R-Robert, no. Help.
You have to help me. [ Contacts Sparking ]
Are you fucking kidding me?
Rodrigo is the best.
So how many stiffs you got, woman?
[ Steve Whispers ] Sully!
[ Yvette ] Just the two. Get the fuck over here.
We had to fold her in and kind of pushed her down.
You want to pick her up by the torso. Come on. [ Sully ] What's going on?
Okay, don't-- don't react.
Just... look at this.
[ Both Grunting ] You got her?
Grab-- Oh!
Here, I got her leg. I got her leg.
Is that chick fuckin' dead? Shh! Don't--
Just you and me, Harry Potter.
[ Grunting ]
Just me and you, boy.
[ Contacts Sparking ]
Don't. Don't!
[ Crackling ] [ Groaning ]
[ Yvette ] Okay, now help me-- We gotta call the cops.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Or...
we could keep shooting.
[ Screams ]
[ Gasping ] Oh, you limeys are such pussies.
Back in the corps, we used to shock ourselves for fun!
[ Crackling ]
[ Groans ]
We got a serious murder story happening here at the Milton's family wedding.
We're getting it on H.D., man!
Do you have any idea how much we could sell this doc for?
I'm kinda thinking that this could be Oscar nomination material, man.
You're naughty! Here I come! Oh, no, no! Uh-oh!
We could kinda become like those journalists who gained the trust...
of criminals or-- or warlords.
[ Gasping ]
Hello?
Hello!
You think we're in danger? Definitely.
[ Both Laughing ]
I mean, where's Blaze?
[ Chuckling ] Oh, Blaze is--
halfway home.
Sent him early with some incriminating footage to, you know, ensure our safety.
Oh, you're a genius, Steve.
A genius. Yeah, I know.
Tell me about it, bro.
One, two, three--
Oh! There you are!
What in holy hog's hell...
am I paying you clowns for?
I mean, here you are, diddling around.
My daughter, the bride--
You remember meeting her?
There's not a single camera on her.
Extremely sorry, Judge Milton.
Sully, why don't you hop up and go grab some Rosemary footage? Okay?
What I am paying you two goons,
this better be the best damn wedding video ever.
[ Steve ] It's gonna be killer.
Steve thinks we'll get an Oscar nomination for it.
What the hell are you talking about?
Nothin'.
Hair of the dog, buddy. Yeah. Come on. Let me hear.
You ready to ush the shit out of this wedding, buddy?
Hell, yeah, I am. I was born to ush shit. Hell, yeah! Come on!
Ush! Ush! Ush! U--
You guys part of the wedding? Yeah. We're ushers.
- Hey, you're the priest! - I'm a pastor.
Sorry. Okay, you guys, uh--
Point me in the direction of the bride and groom. My Jag, it's been acting up.
Oh, yeah, about that-- the groom's missing.
We're keeping that on the D.L., though, so, you know... be cool?
Yeah, I'm cool. I get paid by the hour. Right. See-- Hey!
F.Y.I., the guests are starting to seat themselves.
I'll be in the bar.
Priest just took my beer.
♪ [ Pop ] [ Steve ] Rosemary? Rosemary.
My future honey, um, is--
I hope that I can find you so that we can actually get married.
And then all will be well and... we'll be in love, and hopefully, uh--
Have you guys seen him, or-- Not happening?
Uh, no. I don't know. I mean, what do you guys want?
Love you, bunny.
♪ It's a long way home
♪ But, ah, we can make it
I'm not sure if it's going.
Is the red light on? Uh, I don't know.
Where's the red light supposed to be? Hold on.
I-- Is it on? The l-- There's a red spot on the lens.
It's a red light. Okay, hold on. Red light, red light, red light.
They got so many buttons on these things these days.
I'm gonna try this.
Uh, yeah, I think that's it. I think I got it. I think it's going.
Oh. Hey. That doesn't look too bad, does it?
That looks great.
You look pretty good too.
[ Chuckling ] Hi. Hi!
[ Chuckles ]
Okay, we got 10 minutes. We gotta go quick. We gotta make this quick.
[ Hank ] You know how to-- That was great.
Game face, bitch.
We got, like, three choices for dinner tonight. Yeah.
[ Exhales ] The beef-- Yeah, that's good. That's good.
The beef is good. Real good beef!
Mm-hmm! That's good beef.
Uh-- [ Clears Throat ]
Yes?
Uh, who is it? It's Steve.
- Could I come in for a minute? - Oh, uh, no.
Um, I-I can't come to the door right now.
I'm, um-- I'm-- Having sex, for Pete's sake!
[ Laughs ] Hank!
Yeah, okay. Well--
I kinda feel like it's important that I speak to you.
Oh, for God's sake-- About the dead bodies in your room?
Now, I know that you killed the maid of honor and my cameraman.
I've got the footage.
But-But I'm not here to get you guys in trouble. Okay?
I just-- I want to talk to you.
Hey. Come on in.
Okay-- No! Jesus.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
Just-- Just wait. All right?
You've got the wrong idea. Okay? I'm not--
I'm not gonna tell anyone.
I'm here under official capacity.
You know, videographer-client privilege.
Plus, I've not gotten any footage of you, Yvette, in that dress.
So back then we lived in a house with Robert and four other guys.
Three bedrooms. This tiny house.
And-- Oh. Hey, Rosemary.
Sorry. Have you guys seen Robert?
No-- I'm sorry.
Did you check his room? Yes. I'm going insane!
Dude, can you not film me right now?
I mean it!
Fuck, she's fast. [ Exhales ]
"Everybody makes mistakes.
We need to forgive and forget.
And forgive.
And forget.
And forgive and forget."
[ Footsteps ] Rosemary.
Oh, Robert. Quick. Come with me. Where are we going?
Just keep up. What's wrong? Are they coming?
[ Coughing ] I'm not taking anyone's side.
I'm just saying it doesn't seem that important who Rosemary chooses as her maid of honor,
'cause I'm gonna spend the rest of my life in prison.
- [ Barking ] - [ Elizabeth ] Don't be so dramatic!
And shut the door. It reeks of puke in here!
[ Sighs ]
A bride is supposed to be stress-free on her wedding day.
That's why it's so very, very important to choose the right maid of honor.
Right, Mika? [ Knocking ]
- Elizabeth? It's Violet. - [ Groans ]
Oh! Cute dog.
Um, have you seen Rosemary?
She's running around everywhere, and she's gonna get her dress all dirty.
Just trying to find her.
Shouldn't a maid of honor keep more careful track of her bride?
Wow.
So, you were a bitch to Pensee all weekend,
and now you're gonna be a bitch to me?
I'm sorry that you and Rosemary aren't best friends anymore.
Get over yourself.
[ Elizabeth Gasps ]
You know what?
You're right.
Rosemary's in Yvette's room.
She told me to tell you not even to knock.
Just head right in. Thank you.
Your room smells like vomit, by the way. Ugh.
[ Yipping ]
[ Grumbles, Sighs ]
[ Cackling ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Squeals ]
You did something. What did you do? [ Barks ]
[ Guests Chattering ]
[ Steve ] Just maybe toss the bangs a little bit in front.
Oh. Just give 'em a quick toss. Perfect.
[ Singsongy ] Perfect! And this is all good?
She looks good. Yeah. First question.
Well, I'm not really sure that I understand the logic...
behind chopping the bodies up.
I don't really think I get what that accomplishes.
[ Stammers ]
Yvette says the cops'll think the Mexican cartel did it.
[ Stammers ] Well, yeah, that's what they--
That's what they do to their victims, you know, to send a message. Right?
Oh, right. Chop, chop, chop.
But you guys have never thought about burning the bodies, you know?
Destroy the evidence?
Oh. [ Violet ] Rosemary!
Your maid of honor coming through!
[ Screaming ] Shh-shh-shh.
[ Rosemary ] I'm not trying to have the perfect wedding.
It's just-- Look, I don't--
It's like you've been a zombie all day.
I don't get it. Is this a hangover?
Did something happen last night? Did you get a hooker?
No. That was a joke.
There... is a very simple explanation...
for all of this.
[ Whimpers ] I'll get the ax.
Oh, Hank, wait. We-- We made a promise to Robbie. Remember?
Oh-- You okay? Okay. [ Muffled Response ]
I don't even know where you would get a hooker out here.
No, it's nothing like that. Then what is it?
Baby, you're freaking me out. Just talk to me.
Okay.
Oh, God.
It's the wedding.
I'm just worried it's not gonna be perfect...
and something's gonna go wrong.
That's it? Yeah.
Baby, that's not your job. That's not your job to worry about those things.
That's why we have our families here.
[ Grunting ]
Violet, honey, you-- you want Robert and Rosemary...
to be happy, don't you?
Yes. Okay.
Well, we've had...
some accidents, um--
And we'll tell everyone all about it, but later.
Even if the wedding sucks,
or-- or Marvin interrupts us with dubstep...
or your mother causes an inevitable scene--
Everything we're doing...
is out of love.
it'll still be a success if, at the end of the day, we end up married.
[ Gasps, Grunts ]
You wouldn't want to spoil everything for her.
Would you? [ Grunting ]
So I think...
we can count on you keeping a secret.
- Right? - [ Hank Yells ]
What have you been doing, specifically?
I-- [ Sighs ]
I was, uh--
Hello?
I've been working on my vows.
You what? Yeah.
You told me you finished those weeks ago.
Seriously.
I'm rewriting them. Goddamn it, Robert.
I'm adding to them. I'm embellishing. Yeah, right.
[ Groans ]
Jailbreak!
We got a runner!
[ Gasping, Panting ] Oh--
Oh! [ Exhaling ]
[ Grunting ]
♪ [ Classical ]
♪ [ Continues ]
♪ [ Rock On Speakers ] Here we are.
[ Elizabeth ] Violet.
See anything interesting lately or anything?
You can't even write your vows.
How hard is it gonna be to just say that you wanna be with me, Robert?
I do! Are you kidding? You're not ready to get married. I knew it.
No! That's all I want.
So-- [ Elizabeth Laughs ]
Why is everyone being so mysterious?
It's a surprise!
[ Laughing ] You little limey!
If it was up to me, you and I would run off right now. Okay?
We'd get the hell out of here, leave our families behind and elope in Vegas or something.
Let's do that. Come on!
The reception! The reception.
I love surprises.
Everybody wins. She knows too.
Are you sure she can be trusted?
Not in the slightest. Don't let her out of your sight.
[ Declan Grunting ]
What? Come on. Let's run away. You and me, right now!
No, no, no! Come on! What about our families?
Who cares about them? They're gonna be fine--
Oh, my God! What?
Mmm.
[ Both Moaning ]
Oh, God. Whoa! [ Chuckles ] Yeah.
Let's do it. Let's fucking elope.
Robert. Robert, I just said let's elope!
At the ceremony! I'll be there!
What the fuck is going on around here today?
[ Kicks Chair ]
Oww! Oww.
♪ [ Classical Continues ]
Marvin! Marvin, wait up!
Wait up. You let him go?
Uh, he outwitted me.
[ Groans ] [ Exhales ]
But don't worry. I injected a tracking device into his buttocks.
[ Whistling ]
Where in the hell is that boy?
Everyone, just calm down.
I'll go and, you know, poke around for him.
Please. [ Sobbing ]
You can't be marrying somebody like that. They're just beneath us.
[ Loud Groan ]
- Okay, we're all standing under the same sun, so-- - Yeah, yeah. Moving on.
We're hot too. Let me know.
We'll keep you posted.
Jesus. The natives are getting restless, man.
What is going on in there? Everybody's acting really weird.
Ted! Get your head in the game.
[ Declan Panting ]
He's coming back this way!
Ooh! Ooh! Flank him! Flank him!
[ Grunting ] Oh! Oh! Oh! Hang on!
- [ All Yelling ] - [ Declan ] Fine!
- Ohh! - No! Fine! I yield!
- Ah! - I said I yield!
Okay, okay. Cheap shot. Cheap shot.
You people are insane!
I'm not the one trying to steal another man's wife!
She's not even your wife yet!
[ Gasping, Sobbing ] I should have married her when I had the chance.
If you liked it, you should've put a ring on it!
You-- You can't keep me prisoner forever.
Yeah, we can. [ Stammering ]
What do you think Rosemary's gonna say when she finds out that you abducted me...
and subjected me to torture?
[ Laughing ]
All right, here's what we're gonna do.
Marvin, here's what we're gonna do.
You're going to take him to the house. Okay?
And then you get all your shit, all right?
And then you leave, right now, and you never contact Rosemary ever again.
Oh, well, let me think about that for a second.
Uh, no. I'm sorry. Not gonna do that.
- Okay. - I'll never let her go!
Oh, really? Yes! Never, never!
Marvin?
[ Groans ]
[ Exhales ]
What-- You got a little blood.
You might wanna soak that.
What-- I'll take care of the body.
Just worry about getting cleaned up and...
not being late for your own wedding.
Why'd you--
Why?
Why did y-- Why'd you do that?
You asked me to.
No, I thought you'd intimidate--
Thought you'd just intimidate him.
He was a loose end.
You don't want this douche bird-doggin' you the rest of your life. Come on!
It's time for you to go get married.
Go forward without fear,
brave soldier.
[ Laughing ] Go on.
♪ [ Humming "Marines' Hymn" ]
[ Marvin ] How do you feel about losing her to another man?
Well, uh, I certainly wasn't going to lose her to another woman.
I mean, all you can do is take these things with grace.
[ Clears Throat ] You're so graceful.
I just love when family is around.
It just think that it's--
It's okay. That's--
It's so cool to be around people that are real...
and that are not trying to shoot you.
♪ [ Pop ]
I do hope Robert's not bothering too much--
the unfortunate events that happened.
[ Whispering ] Robert. [ Steve ] Oh, there he is.
Robert! What happened?
Honey, are you-- are you okay? [ Muttering ]
Mommy's got everything covered.
The wedding is about to start.
Excuse me! E-Excuse me. Can I have your attention? Hello?
Hi. Uh, listen, uh, we're running a little late, um--
You always loved getting dirty.
But you clean up so nice.
I-I'm a terrible person, Mom.
What? [ Scoffs ]
Robbie, no. Why would you even say that?
'Cause Pensee's dead.
Look at her.
Robert, you had nothing to do with that. I shot her in the face.
And this guy, I don't even know--
Look, Robert, honey-- What happened to this guy?
I will take all the responsibility.
There's no point ruining your life because of your father and me.
Do you remember the story of the Giving Tree?
The kids' book?
It was about a little boy...
and his tree.
Then one day...
the boy grows up...
and he falls in love with a girl,
and he wants a house.
So the tree tells him to cut her down...
so that he can build the house.
Did the tree kill people, Mom?
That's a different story, Son.
Honey, do you love Rosemary?
Yes. What-- Of course I do. It's--
Do you want to break her heart? No, Ma!
Well, you're going to break her heart if you don't go out there and marry her.
That, Robbie-- That is your future.
♪ [ Pop ] [ Sobbing ] I just don't get it.
I don't get it. It's like he's acting crazy.
Sometimes men...
just need to work things out on their own.
Maybe he went looking for Pensee.
[ Sobbing ] What?
I am going to wring his little neck.
No one makes a fool out of Flip Milton. No one.
♪ [ Continues ]
Yeah, okay. Perfect.
I'll fucking break his neck!
[ Barbara ] Control yourself, Philip.
Did you find Robert?
Uh, y-yes. He spilled, like, a cocktail sauce all over the front of his shirt.
He had to go change, but he's gonna be right down. Oh! [ Laughing ]
Nobody worry.
[ Milton ] Uh-huh. Yeah.
- You get some good stuff? - Golden stuff.
Golden nuggets of good stuff.
- White people are crazy. - Fuck, yes.
- They are fucking retarded. - Really, man.
- I'm scared. - No, I know.
- I'm scared. - I'm scared, and I'm the whitest guy here.
- I'm scared, and I'm the blackest guy here. - You are, seriously,
the blackest g-- You're the only black guy here.
- I know. - You've noticed. Cool.
- [ Violet ] Nothing we can't fix. - [ Rosemary Laughs ]
Violet, can I speak with you for a minute?
I have a question for the maid of honor. That's your area, right?
- What do you want? - Is there something you want to tell people?
Tell people?
No. [ Scoffs ]
No.
She has been my best friend...
since second grade.
I was there for her for freshman 15.
Okay?
I was there for her first period.
- [ Violet Screaming ] - She was my best friend!
Don't you understand that?
She's my best friend! I'm supposed to be the maid of honor!
[ Yelling ] You pig!
Die! [ Yelling ]
[ Exhales, Chuckles ]
Have you seen my wife?
Elizabeth?
I'll be right there!
Oh, shit.
[ Steve ] Just pretend I'm not here.
Ted, quick! Kill him!
What? Why? Why are we killing him?
[ Steve ] No, now, wait a second. I mean--
Don't. Ted. You're a good man. Listen to your heart. Don't fight me.
Get those idiots Neil and Cooper to get the audience started to seat.
[ Steve Groaning ]
What the hell is going on?
Uh-- Nothing. Just-- Just, uh,
gettin' some sweet B-roll footage, that's all.
Everything's cool, right?
Yeah. Right. Everything's cool.
Judge.
I'm afraid I have some really bad news.
Violet left.
I think she got a call from Pensee,
and now they're partying together.
- She was swearing a lot when she left. - [ Ted ] Oh, Jesus.
[ Steve ] Elizabeth, the judge is going to bring everyone in the bridal party...
back to that room.
I don't know what the hell is going on around here.
Is there anyone else who wants to leave?
Because I sure as hell do.
You did it just to be maid of honor?
Well, she just could not be trusted.
What has happened to you?
Oh, just shut up and help me.
[ Rosemary ] I know. It's okay.
Loving it? Yep.
It's not my actual-- [ Laughing ]
This is so exciting!
I just hope that Robert's actually coming this time.
This way.
Ohh!
Oh, what a beautiful spread!
[ Gasps ]
[ Rosemary ] The pink is cute.
Mmm!
[ Chattering ]
There you are. Come on. Let's get you to your place.
Where's Rosemary? I need to talk to her.
You'd better not be breaking her heart. I gotta talk to her!
Oh, fuck. I wish we would start this wedding. She's in here.
Potty mouth!
- Here he is, everyone! - Honey. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
Where have you been?
Look, I've been around. I've been here. I'm so sorry. I need you to know I screwed up.
What did you do? It doesn't matter.
What's important is that I love you and I want to marry you right now. Come on! Let's go!
- [ Screaming ] - Oh, my God!
[ Screaming Continues ]
- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God! It's Violet! - Are you fucking kidding me?
[ Rosemary ] Why is her face like that?
[ Groaning ] [ Barbara ] All over the floor!
[ Milton ] We can get the floors done, honey.
Did that sound like screams?
It's probably fine.
Oh.
This is good. Mmm. [ Laughs ]
Oh, shit. My tux.
♪ You'll never be alone
tonight ♪
Oh, my God! Violet's dead!
It must have been an accident. Or a suicide.
Clearly she was murdered.
Christ. Honey, give me my phone.
No, no, no. You don't need to call the police. I did it.
- I killed her. - Mom, no, no.
I-I did it to keep the wedding perfect for my little boy and for you, Rosemary.
I committed all of the murders. I'm the Giving Tree.
[ Milton ] All of what murders?
No, no, Judge, that's not true. I killed Blaze.
- Who? - [ Yvette ] Don't listen to him!
I can't let you take the blame. I killed Blaze. Twice.
You told me you sent Blaze home.
Would someone please tell me what the fuck everyone is talking about?
And Mom didn't kill Pensee. I shot her in the face.
- You killed my best friend? - I'myour best friend.
He did not kill Pensee. I did.
- He's just covering for me. - Uh--
Call the police. Let's just send everyone home!
No! They can arrest me! Then we can all have a perfect wedding.
Everyone just-- [ Stammers ]
stay calm for just a moment.
Now, we are not calling the police.
Do you have any idea how much this wedding cost?
- Flip-- - I am up for reelection...
in November, for God's sake.
What do you think it will look like...
if they discover a mass murder under my nose?
That prick Beaumont will bury me in scandal.
Don't any of you people ever think about anyone other than yourself?
- Daddy! - I am going to call the sheriff on his private line.
He owes me a favor-- a big one.
What are you going to do? I'm going to make this problem go away.
We are all gonna go out there and have a beautiful wedding.
Now, my boys will collect the bodies...
and make it look like it was a...
gas explosion or something.
You are a judge. You can't just cover up a crime.
Of course I can, honey.
It's like the time your Uncle Frank killed that prostitute.
Uncle Frank never killed a... prostitute.
[ Gasps ] Oh, my God.
That's right. It was that retarded gentleman that we executed for it.
Nice fella. Um, all right.
- Oh, my God. - All right, now look.
- The only way this is gonna work-- - You okay?
is if all of us never talk about anything that happened this weekend ever again.
This has to go to your graves, or I'll put you there myself.
No, no, no. All right.
Now,
is everyone ready to take a vow of silence?
- [ Guests Affirming ] - I am! Absolutely!
I am! You betcha. Yep. Yep.
- Yeah. - Always.
I love you, honey.
[ Milton ] All right, knock 'em dead.
I'm gonna throw up on my dress.
That's okay. That's appropriate.
Wait a minute. These goddamn cameras getting all of this?
Pretend we're not here!
- Give me those tapes. - Well, we record onto hard drives.
- And we're gonna edit all this shit out anyway. - Bullshit.
- Why are the cameras still rolling then, huh? - Well, the--
Grab him, Ted! Go on! Come on. Hurt him.
[ Woman ] Get him! [ Ted ] I'm trying.
Robert, grow a dick, will ya? Help out.
- Go get him. - Come on! Get him!
- No, no, no, no! - Get him! Get him!
- [ All Shouting, Chattering ] - Excuse me, sir.
- [ Grunting ] - [ Yelling ]
[ Yelling ]
There's not gonna be any wedding!
[ Marvin Panting ]
I came back to run some mash-up ideas by you, Rosemary.
I heard everything.
I heard everything!
We are calling the cops like men of honor!
I'm shocked at you, Uncle Flip.
Marvin, you know better than any of us...
sometimes killing is necessary.
In war!
Or, like, if an English dude is here to break up a wedding. But covering up mass murder?
You killed Declan. Don't you want to cover this up too?
Declan's dead? Yeah. Sorry.
[ Sobbing ] No!
- I was following orders! - I--
That's not a legal defense! And I never said you should shoot him.
You nodded.
Don't deny it.
I can't believe you lied to me. I thought you were my captain.
Marvin, now, trust your Uncle Flip. Give me that phone.
- Come on! Come on, now! Come on! - No!
- I won't do it! - [ Screaming ]
I am placing you all under a citizen's arrest...
by power of the United States Marine Corps!
[ Inhaling, Exhaling ]
You know what the worst part about this is?
Now no one is gonna get to hear my Awesome-sauce deejay set.
The beats were so crunchy!
- So crunchy! - [ Sobbing ]
Stop crying! The beats were gonna be so crunchy!
Marvin, I was at your baptism, for God's sake.
Come on now.
- [ Guests Yelling ] - [ Gasping ]
- He's a big one! - Pull!
- [ Gunshots ]
- [ Woman Screaming ] - [ Choking, Coughing ]
- [ Gunshots ] - [ Milton ] Down, everybody! Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God. - Go on! Get out!
Get out! Reload! Reload!
He's out of bullets! Just keep hanging on!
No, he's got more bullets. Oh, no! No! No reloading!
[ Gunshot ]
No! Marvin, stop!
[ Woman Screams ]
- [ Gunshots Continue ] - [ Marvin Groaning ]
[ Yvette Groans ]
- [ Gunshot ] - [ Gasps ]
[ Groaning ]
Awesome-sauce.
- [ Knocking ] - Hey, is everything okay in there?
[ Milton ] We're fine. Fine.
I-I can't see. [ Milton ] All of us. Aren't we?
Okay, everybody. We're putting on a big show here. Okay?
Game face.
Remember your vows.
Honey, get started.
Cameraman, you gonna film this?
That's what I'm here to do. Good.
Well, we'll talk later about all that other stuff.
I suppose you're gonna want a bonus.
Sit with me out there. Oh, of course, sweetie.
I am the maid of honor!
[ Giggles ] I'm so happy right now.
Rosemary and I together, we're like a fairy tale.
Thank you.
Let's do this.
Are you ready? Yeah.
You still have a little cocktail sauce on your shirt. No, don't. That's blood.
Gross. Oh.
Hey, I think I thought of the perfect vow.
As long as we live, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health,
I will never let anything like this happen ever again.
You do? I do.
I do too. [ Giggles ]
Okay? See you out there. Mm-hmm.
[ Sighs ] Sweetheart?
[ Chuckles ]
Things got a little messy, huh?
Sometimes to have a good life,
you have to do bad things.
Do you understand?
Smart girl.
I'm proud of you.
You ready for the biggest adventure of your life?
Okay.
♪ Come with me
♪ And you'll see where you belong ♪
♪ [ Continues ]
[ Steve ] You must have something to say about your wedding.
Robert, are you okay? Robert.
Robert!
Hey! What are you doing, husband?
I-- I-- I just wanted to say a little something for the video.
Uh, really?
[ Milton ] We are all very excited...
to have finally tied the knot with Robert's family.
[ Yvette ] We are one family now.
We know how to get things done.
[ Milton ] Today's adventure...
creates a bond not only between Rosemary and Robert,
but... between all of us here today.
[ Yvette ] Good sex, bad sex.
Any marriage will have both of them.
The key to a good marriage is trust.
The real key... is love for your children.
[ Steve ] Any thoughts for the future?
And when Robert and Rosemary,
God willing,
give us some grandchildren--
[ Whispering ]
[ Steve ] What did she say?
We're done with cameras for now.
I know for a fact...
they will do whatever they need to do to give them a good life.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
♪ I was under the ground
♪ When you turned it around-- ♪
♪ [ News Theme ]
Unpleasant news today from Pleasant Valley.
Six bodies were found mutilated and burned.
They were discovered near where the victims had been abducted...
from a wedding taking place at a well-known family's vacation home.
The father of the bride: four-term state judge Philip "Flip" Milton,
who escaped unharmed.
Here's what he had to say.
- Judge! Judge! - My family and I are deeply, deeply saddened...
by the death of our dear friends.
I am suspending all political campaign activity effective immediately,
although I remain in the race.
But now is not the time for politics. That's all for now.
Reporter Pamela White...
is live from the Pleasant Valley Sheriff's Department with updates.
Pamela.
Early reports indicate...
that these seemingly senseless murders...
have been committed by a satanic cult...
which has been operating in this county in secret for some time.
And the police's primary suspect for the cult's ringleader?
Wait till you hear this.
Charles Beaumont,
who, interestingly, is Judge Flip Milton's highest-polling challenger...
in November's election.
What should have been an unforgettable day in one girl's life--
her wedding day--
will now be remembered as one of the most tragic events in Pleasant Valley history.
Back to you, Wood.
A shocking and sad picture coming out of Pleasant Valley.
We'll have more on that story as it develops.
Shifting gears-- Planning a wedding in this day and age...
can be perilous and fraught with disaster.
After the break, we'll be back with tips on avoiding...
the 10 biggest in-- Ah, fuck me.
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